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Bad Hotel Jokes

 


Phone Won't Stop Ringing? Here's What You Do ....

Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem, but unlike most people she did something about it. The brand-new $10 million
Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola. From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number. Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery. The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands. 
At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leola said, "No problem. How many nights?"
 A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."
The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a
college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II. She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could  watch the O.J. Simpson trial, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June. Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up. Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers." 
Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area. People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events. 
Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel." Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number."

(Courtesy of www.galisteo.com)


The Expensive Hotel

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.

"The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

(Courtesy of J Parks and www.fboexchange.com)


HOTEL RESTRICTIONS

Rivkah Green from Denver decided to go on vacation to Miami in the 1920's. Upon arriving she attempted to check her baggage and settle into a quality hotel. 

The concierge told her, "Sorry, there's no vacancy." 

Just then, a man and his wife suddenly checked out. 

Rivkah exclaimed, "Thank G-d! You now have a room." 

"Sorry", the man behind the counter replied, "This hotel is restricted." 

"And what does that mean?" she asked him. 

"Jews aren't allowed here!" 

"Well what makes you think I'm Jewish?" Rivkah shot back. 

"I know you are!" 

"Well, I'm not! I'm a Catholic! " she insisted. 

"So tell me, " the man replied, "Did G-d have a son?" 

"Sure." 

"What was his name?" 

"Jesus." 

"And where was he born?" 

"In Bethlehem, in a stable." 

"And WHY was he born there?" 

"Because a shmuck like you wouldn't rent his parents a room!" 

(Courtesy of www.jewishpath.org)


MARY POPPINS - HOTEL GUEST EGGSTRAORDINAIRE

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night.

Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly, madam," he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.

The receptionist nodded and smiled.

"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

"Morning madam...sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though....they really weren't that
nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"

(Courtesy of J. Saladino and www.bram.net)


TOP SIGN YOUR MATE IS CHEATING ON YOU:   Motel 6 names him "Customer Of The Year"

(Courtesy of Robyn & Todd's Wedding at www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/6369/humor.html)


HOTEL FIRE

A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician were all staying in the same hotel. Late at night, a small fire broke out in the physicist's room. The
physicist woke up and saw the fire extinguisher on the wall, took out his calculator, and ran a few quick figures. Then, he held the nozzle of the
extinguisher at a certain angle, a certain distance from the fire, held the valve open for a certain length of time, and put the fire out. The
physicist went back to bed.

As luck would have it, a small fire broke out in the engineer's room a short time later. The engineer woke up and saw the fire extinguisher on the wall.
He drenched everything in the room, and put the fire out. Then, since the bed was all wet, the engineer went back to sleep on the floor.

A short time later--you guessed it--a small fire broke out in the mathematician's room. The mathematician woke up and saw the fire
extinguisher on the wall. "A solution exists," he said to himself, and went back to sleep.

(Courtesy of T. Van Hoosear and http://lalaland.cl.msu.edu)


HOTEL HEAVEN

Following a distinguished legal career, an man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire the same day.  The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter. who escorted him to his quarters.  The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a low grade Motel 6 type establishment.  The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the gates.  The attorney was somewhat taken back, and told St. Pete,

"I'm really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such small accommodations."

St. Peter replied, "We have over a hundred Popes here, and we're really very bored with them.  We've never had a lawyer."

(Courtesy of members.byondfl.com/jeremyx.humor.hotel)


I'LL TAKE AN INNER ROOM WITH A VIEW OF THE ATRIUM...

Joan, a rather well-proportioned though near-sighted secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first few days, but always removed her glasses for an even facial tan. After several days she decided that no one could see her way up there, so she slipped out of her suit for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her bottom. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you have for the past week."

"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight!"

(Internet humor, original source unknown.)


THE WATERGATE HOTEL  

 A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington.  The bride is concerned. "What if the place is still bugged?"  The groom says "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures and under the rug. "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his screwdriver, unscrews the screws, and throws the disc out the window.  The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds..."How was your room?", "How was the service?", "How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"  The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"  The hotel manager says "Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them!"